November 22, 2019

Barn on the Edge of the Pond  ©Tracey Grumbach

Dear Driftwood,

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

[Thanksgiving Day Proclamation, 1963]”
― John F. Kennedy 

It is Thanksgiving again and another year we celebrate without you here but you're always in our hearts. As John. F. Kennedy pointed out 55 years ago and you pointed out to me many times in my life, thankfulness is better shown and not heard. I have always taken that to heart and I hope I am doing you proud by showing my gratitude for even my smallest blessings on a daily basis. After all, I truly am blessed beyond deserving.

We are keeping our Thanksgiving small this year since Tyler and Brenna are only briefly in town from school. Although it will be small, just seven of us, it is a huge day to be sure since all of my children will be under one roof together. That happens less and less nowadays, so I am so thankful for this opportunity.

I wish you, dear Driftwood, a beautiful Thanksgiving wherever you may be. And to the rest of my friends and family scattered about out there, I hope you stop today to count the many blessings you already have...family, friends, food, health, a job, a car, a home, electricity, clean water, clothing, etc. Not everyone has the joy of these simple pleasures, so be sure to live each day, not just today, remembering just how truly blessed you are.

Until next time,
Me

November 20, 2018

Lost in the Fog of Hope  ©Tracey Grumbach

Dear Driftwood,

“Tell me what’s the difference
between hope and waiting
because my heart doesn’t know
It constantly cuts itself on the glass of waiting
It constantly gets lost in the fog of hope”
― Anna Kamienska; "Difference"

Oh, Driftwood...what IS the difference between hope and waiting? Do you know? My best guess is that hope involves a dose of faith that an event will happen while waiting doesn't. But who am I to say? All I can say for sure is that I am hoping and waiting to get better every day. I am also hoping and waiting to see you again one day.

Yesterday was a foggy morning. I was on my way to donate clothing to our church after dropping the kids off at school and I was stopped by construction traffic. I saw this beautiful scene. There is something so incredibly intriguing about the sun coming through the fog. It is mysterious and beautiful. Dark and light at the same time. It obscures some things and yet makes other things seem to stand out. So fascinating.

I've spent much of this past week dealing with a very bad headache (on day 6 now) after starting a new treatment schedule for Lyme. I am not sure if this headache is a result of a side effect of the medicine or if it is from herxing, but either way, it has kept me in a mental fog. Fog seems to be a recurring theme in this letter. It guess it is a good description for my mind, my mood, and my outlook. 

Until next time...

Love,
Me

November 10, 2018

Free Your Mind.  ©Tracey Grumbach

My Dearest Driftwood,

“There are so many people whose minds do not belong to them. There are so many people whose thoughts have been purchased by people. There are so many people who have made people kings and queens of their thought. There are so many people who cannot sleep because of people. There are so many people whose lives are a small percentage of their own self and a greater percentage of others. When the offenses of people occupy your mind, your mind becomes the offenses of people instead of your own mind. To have your own mind and to be your own self, free your mind!”
― Ernest Agyemang Yeboah 

You missed the election this past Tuesday. You always told me how important it was to exercise my right to vote and so I do, but honestly having anything to do with the political system these days is so frustrating. I don't even want to really talk about it because I have made a commitment to replace all the negativity of today's media with my own positivity and that is just what I am going to do. I've made a commitment to post positive happenings and thoughts happening in the world on my Facebook page and refrain from discussing anything negative. I wish more people would recognize that we all have more IN COMMON than DIFFERENT from one another. Complaining about politics here, in this letter to you, is futile and depressing and I don't stand for that.

The only reason I even bring it up is because yesterday I was playing around with some of my old collage cut outs and this piece, Free Your Mind, slowly formed. Sometimes when I am stuck creatively, I like to just dump a bunch of things on the table and let my subconscious go to work. I keep it silent in my studio and use whatever materials I feel are speaking to me. As I was playing with the different pieces, the idea for Free Your Mind began to form. I created something similar to this a while back (see below) using this same cut out, but I actually like this one better so I am glad I revisited it. The idea of old thoughts, habits, mistakes, perceptions, and offenses being released from the confines of ones own mind developed into this collage piece and I think it is a direct result of listening to and watching all the close minded people in the mainstream media during the election process. Sometimes NOT thinking and just doing lets all those subconscious ideas to flow forward.

©Tracey Grumbach

Anyway, I know how independent you are, so I thought you would appreciate this piece. Until next time, Driftwood...keep drifting.

With much love,
Me

November 9, 2018

The Map of Me. ©Tracey Grumbach

Dear Driftwood,

"God knows how I got so ugly, I guess it just comes from being slugged and slugged again and again, and not going down, still trying to think, to feel, still trying to put the butterfly back together again…it’s written a map on my face that nobody would ever want to hang on their wall.

Sometimes I’ll see myself somewhere…suddenly…say in a large mirror in a supermarket…eyes like little mean bugs…face scarred, twisted, yes, I look insane, demented, what a mess…spilled vomit of skin…yet, when I see the “handsome” men I think, my God my God, I’m glad I’m not them.” 

-Charles Bukowski; Sunlight Here I Am- Interviews and Encounters 1963-1993 

Those words, "It's written a map on my face..." feel so right to me when I think about the struggles I've faced with Chronic Lyme Disease, my dear Driftwood. And thus, a perfect quote to accompany this addition to my Self Portraits of a Lyme Warrior series. You left before I was diagnosed, but I know you know the toll it took on me even before I had a name for it. Sometimes I feel like this disease has made me so ugly, inside and out, and sometimes I think it has scrubbed me so raw that it has wiped away much of the ugliness and has instead made me anew inside. Either way, the profound effect it has had in my life will forever change who I am and I am content with that.

I wish you were close so I could tell you all about the map this journey has marked on me-certainly a map that nobody would ever want to hang on their wall. But alas, you are not, and so I must hope this letter reaches you and you can somehow send me a message back of encouragement to keep on keeping on this journey to see where it ultimately will lead.

Until next time, Driftwood...keep drifting.

Love,
Me

November 5, 2018

The Great Figure Eight  ©Tracey Grumbach

Young and full of running
Tell me where's that taking me?
Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity

Love is really nothing
But a dream that keeps waking me
For all of my trying
We still end up dying
How can it be?

-John Mayer; Edge of Desire

Dear Driftwood,

It is funny where life takes you.  Some people seem to have a life that progresses in a fairly straight line while others seem to wander in a serpentine manner, curving this way and that and then back again. Watching my children grow up and start making a path in this world for themselves has me reflecting on when I was young and considering where my life would take me. 

If you had asked me, back when I was my youngest children's age (10), what I would be doing when I was 46 years old, art would have been the last thing to come to mind. To be honest, I could not even have dreamed of what I am doing today. For one thing I had an art teacher in elementary school that basically laughed at my art work and told me, "You are not an artist and never will be." Those words rung so deep within my soul that from that day forward I never even tried my hand at art, until, of course, I was an adult. Those words, however, did push me toward wanting to be a teacher, a teacher that encouraged people, not put them down. 

Secondly, I could not have even imagined, back in 1982, when the hottest technology was the Commodore 64 computer and when music CDs had just been introduced to the market, that I would be creating and selling art on the same device with which I make wireless phone calls, browse the internet, video call my kids, and listen to music. It is just mind-boggling. I never ever would have dreamed such a far-out concept and yet here I am doing just that, creating mobile art on iPhones and iPads. I am also still teaching, just as I knew I wanted to back 36 long years ago. Some paths for me were straight as an arrow and others are still meandering in curvy lines across the map of my life.

As a mom, it is a joy to watch my adult children walk their own paths and watch my youngest twins just beginning to imagine theirs. Some of my children seem to have a straighter path than others but life events...love, jobs, tragedy, and even luck, can add some twists and turns along the way. I wouldn't have it any other way. Life would be pretty boring if we all walked straight, parallel lives...after all, isn't the greatest beauty always found off the beaten path?

Well, that is all for now. I hope your path is clear and full of beauty, wherever you are, my dear Driftwood. I'll write again soon.

Love,
Me

October 31, 2018

Early Morning, Autumn

Dear Driftwood,

It is that time of year again when the earth feels fully pregnant, ready to heave forth all of her bounty and deliver what is needed to make it through winter. There is a sense of urgency this time of year here...animals scurrying to collect, store, and eat as much food as possible. Some will build or find shelter to hunker down in the coming long winter months. Some, like the gaggle of noisy geese I saw today, are filling their bellies and increasing their energy stores to fly further south, migrating to warmer climates for the winter. Kids are all settled back into the routine of school, brimming with energy, starting to anticipate the winter holidays. This is the time when world becomes one giant splotch of vibrant paint, colors seeming to radiate from every living thing- a giant patchwork quilt of color woven together one dying leaf at a time.

As you know, this has always been my favorite time of year. I love the sense of coziness it brings...the sense of comfort and belonging and kinship among friends, family, and neighbors. Football, bonfires, harvest parties, Halloween, hiking through crunchy trails littered in confetti leaves, fluffy sweatshirts, fuzzy boots, steaming hot mocha...all of these things bring me joy and thankfulness that I get to experience them again this year. I think back to my childhood and autumn holds many of my sweetest memories...back to school time, fires in the fireplace, football and cheer-leading, homecoming dances, bus trips to the apple orchard with my grandparents. It seems just like yesterday all of these things were happening and yet here I am watching my own kids experiencing these exact moments. How could that have happened so fast?

I wonder what autumn is like where you are, my dear Driftwood...

Yours always,
Me

October 28, 2018

The Rose That Was Left Behind   ©Tracey Grumbach

Dear Driftwood,


I think you will be happy to know that I am teaching again. You were always a bit sad when I chose to be a stay-at-home mom all those years ago because you thought I was throwing my degree away. Life has a funny way of coming full circle and recently I have come back to what has always brought me great joy...teaching.

The other day I was teaching an iPhone photography course and after explaining something about the native camera app my student looked me in the eye and said, "The price of taking this course was totally worth it just for learning this one thing. I've had an iPhone for over 2 years and didn't know that!" It totally made my day. I love watching the expressions on my students' faces when they learn something new. Their eyes sparkle, their jaw slackens, and their face glows. That "a-ha!" moment is my reward for all the long hours of planning, organizing, and teaching. It brings me indescribable joy to know I made a difference in someone's understanding of the world.

Later that same week I was teaching a class of senior citizens how to use their iPads and iPhones. After class, one of my students stayed and asked for help in how to make audio and video calls from her iPad. When we finally finished her impromptu lesson and getting her set up on Facetime, she looked and me with the biggest grin and said, "My son in Arizona will be so excited I finally know how to do this.  It will help us stay connected."  Of course, my heart swelled and I almost teared up for the joy it brought me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I am helping these seniors stay connected to their loved ones in world where they feel left behind. It is such a small thing to do...to take the time to teach someone how to do something, but it can make a huge impact in their life. I'm so blessed and grateful to be a part of that...a part of helping people feel less alone in the world and more connected to family and friends.

Well, that's all for today. I've included a digital art piece I created from my original photograph. I call it The Rose That Was Left Behind. I hope you like it.

I miss you.

Love,
Me