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| The Map of Me. ©Tracey Grumbach |
"God knows how I got so ugly, I guess it just comes from being slugged and slugged again and again, and not going down, still trying to think, to feel, still trying to put the butterfly back together again…it’s written a map on my face that nobody would ever want to hang on their wall.
Sometimes I’ll see myself somewhere…suddenly…say in a large mirror in a supermarket…eyes like little mean bugs…face scarred, twisted, yes, I look insane, demented, what a mess…spilled vomit of skin…yet, when I see the “handsome” men I think, my God my God, I’m glad I’m not them.”
-Charles Bukowski; Sunlight Here I Am- Interviews and Encounters 1963-1993
Those words, "It's written a map on my face..." feel so right to me when I think about the struggles I've faced with Chronic Lyme Disease, my dear Driftwood. And thus, a perfect quote to accompany this addition to my Self Portraits of a Lyme Warrior series. You left before I was diagnosed, but I know you know the toll it took on me even before I had a name for it. Sometimes I feel like this disease has made me so ugly, inside and out, and sometimes I think it has scrubbed me so raw that it has wiped away much of the ugliness and has instead made me anew inside. Either way, the profound effect it has had in my life will forever change who I am and I am content with that.
I wish you were close so I could tell you all about the map this journey has marked on me-certainly a map that nobody would ever want to hang on their wall. But alas, you are not, and so I must hope this letter reaches you and you can somehow send me a message back of encouragement to keep on keeping on this journey to see where it ultimately will lead.
Until next time, Driftwood...keep drifting.
Love,
Me
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