November 20, 2018

Lost in the Fog of Hope  ©Tracey Grumbach

Dear Driftwood,

“Tell me what’s the difference
between hope and waiting
because my heart doesn’t know
It constantly cuts itself on the glass of waiting
It constantly gets lost in the fog of hope”
― Anna Kamienska; "Difference"

Oh, Driftwood...what IS the difference between hope and waiting? Do you know? My best guess is that hope involves a dose of faith that an event will happen while waiting doesn't. But who am I to say? All I can say for sure is that I am hoping and waiting to get better every day. I am also hoping and waiting to see you again one day.

Yesterday was a foggy morning. I was on my way to donate clothing to our church after dropping the kids off at school and I was stopped by construction traffic. I saw this beautiful scene. There is something so incredibly intriguing about the sun coming through the fog. It is mysterious and beautiful. Dark and light at the same time. It obscures some things and yet makes other things seem to stand out. So fascinating.

I've spent much of this past week dealing with a very bad headache (on day 6 now) after starting a new treatment schedule for Lyme. I am not sure if this headache is a result of a side effect of the medicine or if it is from herxing, but either way, it has kept me in a mental fog. Fog seems to be a recurring theme in this letter. It guess it is a good description for my mind, my mood, and my outlook. 

Until next time...

Love,
Me

November 9, 2018

The Map of Me. ©Tracey Grumbach

Dear Driftwood,

"God knows how I got so ugly, I guess it just comes from being slugged and slugged again and again, and not going down, still trying to think, to feel, still trying to put the butterfly back together again…it’s written a map on my face that nobody would ever want to hang on their wall.

Sometimes I’ll see myself somewhere…suddenly…say in a large mirror in a supermarket…eyes like little mean bugs…face scarred, twisted, yes, I look insane, demented, what a mess…spilled vomit of skin…yet, when I see the “handsome” men I think, my God my God, I’m glad I’m not them.” 

-Charles Bukowski; Sunlight Here I Am- Interviews and Encounters 1963-1993 

Those words, "It's written a map on my face..." feel so right to me when I think about the struggles I've faced with Chronic Lyme Disease, my dear Driftwood. And thus, a perfect quote to accompany this addition to my Self Portraits of a Lyme Warrior series. You left before I was diagnosed, but I know you know the toll it took on me even before I had a name for it. Sometimes I feel like this disease has made me so ugly, inside and out, and sometimes I think it has scrubbed me so raw that it has wiped away much of the ugliness and has instead made me anew inside. Either way, the profound effect it has had in my life will forever change who I am and I am content with that.

I wish you were close so I could tell you all about the map this journey has marked on me-certainly a map that nobody would ever want to hang on their wall. But alas, you are not, and so I must hope this letter reaches you and you can somehow send me a message back of encouragement to keep on keeping on this journey to see where it ultimately will lead.

Until next time, Driftwood...keep drifting.

Love,
Me